Recently, I've been thinking about identity again, specifically how golf fits into it. Two things have been bothering me:
Am I using golf as a substitute for the "status" I felt I had when working? Specifically, have I unconsciously transferred previous self-worth issues to my golf results and handicap?
If the answer to question 1 is yes, then have I really come to terms with being retired? Is something else going on here?
Unfortunately, I think the answer to question 1 is YES. I have placed too much importance on results, rather than simply enjoying the game. Having written so much about gratitude and mindfulness when golfing, I still struggle to walk the talk and that isn't very reassuring! Letting go of expectations and not focussing on results has been much easier to write about than it has been to implement.
Why have I found that so hard? I think it's tied up with early retirement and losing the sense of identity that came with a job title. I've touched on this before in previous posts and whilst I'm genuinely comfortable and happy with life, I wonder if golf has become one of the last hiding places for my ego! My career in finance was so performance-oriented that, even 2.5 years after retiring, it's still hard to let go of comparing myself to my peers. Unlike when I was working, the only person who cares about my performance now is me! If I shoot 65 or 105, the only thing that's impacted is my ego.
So why can't I let go? I don't really know the answer. Maybe I have a residual need to give myself a "label". So rather than saying "I play golf", I want to say "I'm a golfer". But saying "I'm a golfer" puts me under pressure to deliver a good performance/lower score/handicap improvement. While I'm not playing golf for a living, I have set myself a lofty target and I wonder if that's part of what's stopping me from letting go. Can you have high goals and also find inner peace? Have I placed so much importance on arriving at a future point that I've forgotten that the journey is more important? Was it a mistake to even declare the target in the first place or does it say more about the flaws in my personality than it does about the flaws in my golf game?
Why, when I talk so much about Stoicism and Stoic virtues, do I struggle to bring it to my golf? Einstein's comment about the difference between theory and practice comes to mind again! It's hard to reverse 55 years of practice and impose a new theory. While I might have the bald look of a Buddhist monk, I don't yet possess the calmness or serenity! Changing your mindset takes time, but I'm trying to improve and the philosophical journey never ends. Buddhists would say that enlightenment comes from acceptance, but after a lifetime of comparing myself to measurable results, it can be hard to let go. But letting go is exactly what I need to do if I'm ever to find peace of mind, balance and enjoyment (however I choose to define those).
Epictetus said, "It is not things in themselves that trouble us, but our judgement of them". I know I can still let emotions dictate how I judge my golf. Rather than bringing the awareness and gratitude to golf I've talked about in other posts, I have still been guilty of forgetting the simple pleasure of being out there. Poor expectation management has allowed my emotions to control my judgements. Philosophy is helping me better understand my emotions, thoughts, judgements and reactions and take what I hope are the first steps on the journey to enlightened golf.
I am Keith and I play golf.
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