17 May 2023|Golfing with gratitude, Thoughts about
Thinking more about my recent contented golfer post, it occurred to me that one of the things that led to greater contentment in life was answering the question "How much is enough?" and being grateful for what I already had. For much of my working life, I'd had a seriously bad case of "keeping up with the neighbours". I thought that if I earned more then I could buy more - a bigger house, a nicer car etc etc. Surely, if we had nicer things, then that would make us all happy and I would have fulfilled my role as a husband and father. But, all the while, deep down, I really knew that was just fantasy. Someone once told me that if you measure your self-worth by your financial net worth, then someone else will always be better and you'll never be happy!
There was no greater realisation of this than when my daughter was diagnosed with leukaemia, and for the first time in my adult life, I properly confronted mortality. It's not as if people around me hadn't been ill or died before, but this was my daughter, part of me, someone I love more than can be expressed in words. This time was different! I must stress that I love all three of my daughters and if any of you read this in future then I love you all equally and unconditionally. Around that time I was also struggling with some health issues of my own, high blood pressure being the main one, but a few other niggles in the background too.
One night when I was staying on the ward, my daughter had overheard the doctors talking about cancer and she realised that her leukaemia was also cancer. She knew cancer is bad and she asked me "Daddy, am I going to die?". I was totally unprepared for the question but answered in as comforting and reassuring a way as I could at the time. The real answer was that I didn't know. We were all still finding our feet and didn't know what was coming next. However, it taught me that I had confused quality of life with financial goals and that much of what I thought was important, really wasn't. I learned to be grateful for what I already had and realised what an entitled arse I had become, or was certainly in danger of becoming. It started me down the path that would eventually get me off the hedonic treadmill.
So how does this apply to my golf game?
If I just buy new stuff then my game will be great!
Ever since I was introduced to custom fitting with a new set of irons for my 40th birthday, I've become a compulsive tinkerer and club swapper. I've let myself be sucked in by the marketing bumph. This latest driver will be so much better than the last and I'll be hitting it 500 yards with no effort. Buy this putter and I'll sink every putt. Take these lessons or use these swing tips and all my flaws will be gone in an instant. See the earlier confessional post about the numerous different putters I've owned. Take a look in my garage at the boxes for the new driver and hybrid that I swore I wouldn't buy but have just arrived. Take a look at my eBay account and see just how much I've bought and sold over the years and the offer I've just made on the Odyssey putter that I was fitted for recently. My kids call me the Arthur Daley of golf clubs.
The legendary George Cole as Arthur Daley
STOP - I WANT TO GET OFF - I've got this all wrong! When am I going to put two and two together, re-read what I've written in the section above and understand that money can't buy me a game? New clubs don't entitle me to play well, and the thrill of the first few shots will be gone as soon as I top my first drive! Getting better stems from self-sacrifice through practice and hard work. We all like shiny new stuff, but get a grip Keith; this has really gotten out of hand. I have a functional golf swing that's been good enough to see me produce some good scores and get down to a pretty low handicap. Lessons over the last year have actually played havoc with that and resulted in discontent because my game didn't immediately improve. Rather than being grateful for the ability I have, I've been stuck on the same hedonic treadmill. Thinking that this club will improve my driving, then I'll shoot lower scores, and then I'll be happy. This lesson will help my swing, then I'll shoot lower scores, and then I'll be happy. What a fool I've been.
When my friend died earlier this year, I changed this thread to "Golfing with gratitude" and thought that I had made a breakthrough with my attitude. We played golf together the day before he died, talking about how much we got from golf that had nothing to do with the score or the clubs we played with. We stopped and admired the view on the 8th tee of the Eden, we talked about life, love, family, hopes and plans for the future and how we wanted to enjoy golf as if it were the last time we might ever play. Little did we know.
The hedonic treadmill needs to stop here!
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