11 May 2023|Golfing with gratitude, Thoughts about
Sunset over the Old Course
What does contentment mean to me?
This is something I have asked myself frequently throughout my adult life. Watching movies like "The Pursuit of Happyness" with Will Smith or the excellent "Meet Joe Black" with Brad Pitt. Reading books like "Ego is the Enemy" by Ryan Holiday, "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankl (a must-read book, but not for the faint-hearted) or the one that started me asking the question in the first place, "Jonathan Livingston Seagull" by Richard Bach. In a golf context, I'd add "Final Rounds" by James Dodson or "So Help Me Golf" by Rick Reilly. All of these touch on themes of finding contentment, love and peace.
Switching to music, there are just too many songs to mention in one post. I keep telling my girls that whatever they are going through in life, chances are that someone has written a song about it. I could list some personal favourites, but it would be far too long - maybe I should make a Spotify playlist and link it!
Personally, the process I went through when deciding to retire really helped me understand what's important in life for me. I've not made any secret about the fact I sought the help of a councillor when I was doing that. She helped me figure out what was going on in my mind at that time and what issues were lurking in the dark. From the legacy of dealing with my daughter's leukaemia (where you just feel totally helpless as a parent and where I learned that money doesn't buy health or happiness) to my concerns about how others would perceive me if I were to retire early. Would I be considered a failure, would I be a disappointment to my family etc. Some things were rational, and some were completely irrational, but it's amazing how getting stuff out into the open can help to disempower it. I used to think that something was missing in my life and then I realised that it was actually me that had gone missing. I'd lost sight of who I was and what was important.
I would describe myself now as being very content with life. I'm comfortable in my own skin, content with what I have achieved to this point and I'm not chasing the false gods that I maybe was before. I no longer define myself by what I do for a living, which has been quite liberating. I may want to use my work experience in a different context in future, but right now I am happy with my lot. My family have been very supportive of my decision to retire and were on board with the move to St Andrews, even though it meant leaving friends and jobs behind. I can't thank them enough for coming on this journey with me and I really think/hope they get a better version of me than they did when I was working. The demands and stress of work could make me quite unpleasant at times. Sure, I'm still prone to grumpy periods and can be quite matter-of-fact in my conversation at times, but I try to use my ears and mouth in the right proportion most of the time. Perhaps I need to read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" again.
Moving to St Andrews has definitely helped me with my personal contentment. Not just from the access to the world-class golf courses, but more that I have the time to enjoy such a great town and part of the world. The students keep the town young and while they can be frustrating at times, the tourists are here because they actually want to be here meaning you rarely see a grumpy face. The East Neuk of Fife is truly stunning and every day is different. You just need to keep your eyes and ears open when walking about and a whole different world opens up. I tried to talk about that in my "Mindful Walking" post.
I sometimes worried about how I would fill my days, but can honestly say that's never been an issue. In actual fact, I'm really way behind on my commitment to reading more this year as I've been too busy doing other things!
I can honestly say that I am happy and content with life.
In search of the contented golfer
He’s out there somewhere
Writing the above makes me ask myself the very obvious question, "If you're so content with life, why do you still beat yourself up on the golf course?" Now, that is a very good question and one I actually find hard to answer. Maybe from the comments above, the fact I've now written it down will finally let the contented golfer come out for good? I know I've seen him on occasion, but too often he gets obscured by the east coast haar. I'm trying hard but too often I slip back into old behaviour patterns.
Is this a legacy issue post-work? Having spent my working life in a very performance-oriented industry, am I struggling to let that go and subconsciously seeking some sort of personal validation through my golf score and handicap?
The reality is that just as in life, I have nothing to prove on the golf course. Yes, I want to improve and yes, I'm interested to see how good I can get. But I want to enjoy my golf too and at times I've lost sight of that by chasing golf's false gods; score and handicap. It's not a pissing contest, but the desire to compare is hard to overcome.
I love my social golf with friends where I can forget a bad shot/hole, take the "humorous" comments and just get on with the game (while waiting for my chance to tease them back).
However, and I think this applies to many golfers, the game can change when I've got a card in my hand and the score seems to take on more mystical importance. By focusing too much on the outcome rather than the process I can sometimes be poor company, and I don't like that. I would hate for someone that's played with me to go away saying what a grumpy sod I'd been. I don't want to be "that guy".
I need to relax about the outcome and just enjoy playing the game. Playing without tension is even one of the best ways to get better! I've started a log of all my rounds where I note the good shots and positive aspects of my round and don't dwell on the negatives, other than identifying areas for practice. I try not to get caught up in the false world presented by Sky Sports, where all we seem to see are the great shots and the putts that drop. I remind myself of the charts in "Four Foundations of Golf" by Jon Sherman and "Every Shot Counts" by Mark Brodie that highlight what actually constitutes a good shot. Maybe I should laminate them and keep them in my bag - only joking.
I'll leave you with a quote from Viktor Frankl, "Our greatest freedom is the freedom to change our attitude". The contented golfer is only a change in attitude away!
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